The Boomtown Rap Awards For 2007

Inaugural and haphazard, these Boomtown Rap Awards are disorganised, ill conceived and pretty bloody random. There’s an Australian bias, but awards are not restricted nationally. They can be positive or – more likely – negative.

While the awards naturally reflect my own prejudices and tastes, being a democratic and inclusive type o bastard, I will gladly accept reader nominations and suggestions for additional awards not covered below. Just post ‘em in the Comments. And there is no particular deadline. I’ll happily keep adding to the list until such time as it kinda sorta feels too far into 2008 to be relevant.

So, let’s start with something lightweight: the 2007 Boomtown Rap free-to-air TV Awards – introducing The BR Bogeys!

Most annoying tv ad: the erectile dysfunction ad in which those two pianists, “Sniff and Stiff”, are supposedly playing a duet with their erect porks and that silly old fart asks “Can you teach me to play like that again?”

Most enjoyable new tv show: First Tuesday Book Club

Most enjoyable one-off tv show: Jennifer Byrne Presents Writing with Food

Most unfunny new TV comedy: The Librarians

Most over-rated new TV comedy: Summer Heights High

Most over-it TV comedy: Kath and Kim

Most disappointing new TV comedy: Extras. Ricky Gervais received justifiably extravagant accolades for The Office; Extras was worth a watch just to see where Gervais would venture after The Office – it had its moments, but was a bit patchy and overall failed to live up to great expectations.

Best TV drama: The Sopranos. What else comes close? Too bad it’s over.

Best sitcom: Desperate Housewives. Some worrying signs, though, that this one is running out of steam.

Most over-rated TV drama: Jane Eyre

Best TV cooking show: The Cook and The Chef. The interaction between home cook extraordinaire Maggie Beer and the very gay but unpainful Simon Bryant, Executive Chef at The Adelaide Hilton, is a delight. This unlikely but utterly charming duo turns out a dizzy array of indulgent and delectable-looking fare amidst gentle jibes and generous acknowledgement of each other’s culinary contributions and savvy. My favourite of the cooking shows, and I am qualified to comment – I watch almost all of them.

Most annoying cooking show presenter: Maeve O’Meara (Food Safari). Must she be so nauseously ingratiating with every bloody cook she features? And must she roll her eyes into the back of her head and exclaim “MMMM” to the heavens as if surrendering to orgasm every time she samples a mouthful of nosh? Those trademark loud sweaters are starting to pall, too, bonzer boobs notwithstanding. Still, we have to be grateful for small mercies – at least the thoroughly unlikeable, irritating and camera-unfriendly Joanna Savill has been dumped as her sidekick.

Most admirably obnoxious TV personality of the year: Gordon Ramsay

TV derro of the year: Frank Gallagher (Shameless)

TV turkey of the year: Tie between Kyle Sandilands and Sam Newman (Australian Idol and The Footy Show respectively)

Most useless responses from a ‘talent’ judge: Marcia Hines (Australian Idol). You go girlfriend…and keep going out the door. Take Idol with ya.

Best TV personality: Sonia Kruger (Dancing With The Stars)

Good riddance award: Daryl Somers (who quit as host of Dancing With The Stars)

Sorry to see you go award: Peter Cundall (Gardening Australia). One of my heroes.

Dickhead Sports Commentator of the Year: Robert Walls. Can’t someone get rid of this fuckwit?

Impure-thoughts-inducing TV Personality: Julia Zemiro (Rockwiz)

Special mention awards in the Impure-thoughts-inducing category to Sally Dominguez of The New Inventors, Dr Maryanne Demasi from Catalyst, ABC Perth newsreader Alicia Gorey, Channel Nine Perth newsreader Natalia Cooper, Leila McKinnon from What’s Good For You and Gardening Australia’s Meredith Kirton (note: it’s all about context)

Worst-dressed TV presenter: Sigrid Thornton (What’s Good For You)

Best rock quiz show: Rockwiz

Least funny comedian: Rove

Most likeable TV personalities: tie between Adam Hills, Myf Warhurst and Alan Brough (Spicks n Specks)

Fizzer new series of the year: the tacky, try-hard-shocking and very unfunny Californication

Dickhead TV cook of the year: Fast Ed (BHG)

Most impossible to replicate at home DIY demos: Rob Palmer (BHG)

Most Useless TV Gardener: Graeme Ross (BHG)

Tackiest Craft on TV: Tara Dennis (BHG)


Most pathetic old fart former rock star still trying to be hip: Mark McEntee (Divinyls)

Most annoying Australian pop star: Delta. Just shut up.

Most boring pop star in interviews: Kylie Minogue – has she ever said anything interesting, anywhere, to anyone?

Least deserved OBE: Kylie Minogue. Talk about the sympathy vote!

Best Aussie movie: September

Most memorable mass media image: Unsteady Ben Cousins shirtless with gangster tatt, being led off by the cops

Most incompetent public servant effort: The cops who arrested Cousins, forced to drop all charges due to lack of evidence

Fuckup of the year: tie between Chris Mainwaring (decd) and Ben Cousins

Mummy’s boy of the year: Chris Judd

PR catastrophe of the year: George Bush has had a mortgage on this award for years. Another worthy performance in 2007.

Arsehole of the Year: every Perth driver – and the numbers are massive – who exhibits the selfish fuck-you attitude that has rightly made this city the brunt of derisive driver jokes nation-wide. You deadshits.

Wanker of the Year: every 4WD driver whose despotic, selfish, arrogant on-road attitude has earned them the mass contempt of other road users. May someone in power follow the suggestion of Paul Keating and tax 4WDs off metropolitan roads.

Corporate bastards of the year: James Hardie, for finally settling Bernie Banton’s damages claim, which they fought so hard to deny him…the day before he died. Utter pricks.

Act of corporate bastardry of the year: Fosters, for downsizing Cascade Premium without notice and not lowering the price, and emptying the shelves of the larger bottles the day before making the announcement to prevent punters stocking up. Then trying to spin their way out of it. The greedy slimebags.

Most consistent all-round corporate bastards: Woolworths and Coles, for upping the prices of multiple products on their supermarket shelves with contemptible stealth and regularity, while squeezing the life out of farmers and their other suppliers by paying them peanuts – having all but cornered the market. The inevitable emergence of monopolies and duopolies is one of the great flaws of capitalism, ultimately working against the very notions of the free market and consumer choice.

Worst decision of 2007: Benazir Bhutto returning from exile

2nd worst decision of 2007: John Howard refusing to step down a year out from the Federal election

Best decision of 2007: The Australian electorate, in getting rid of the contemptible Liberal Government

2nd best decision of 2007: Bennelong electorate, for booting Howard out on his arrogant bum to end his political career as ignominiously as he deserved.

Best free event: Perth Podcamp 2007. There were many writeups on this excellent Geekfest. Here are some:

Man of the Year: Bernie Banton (decd)

Woman of the Year: Aung San Sui Kui. Every bit Mandela’s equal as a people’s hero, cooped away under house arrest and all but forgotten. Why is the West not applying pressure on the appalling Burmese military? No oil in Burma, mayhap?

FUCK YOU AWARD OF 2007: To all “malignant narcissists” (Peter Cundall’s term) – that is, psychologically undeveloped bigheads with an agenda to stoke their sense of personal power by insisting that they are ‘right’, even if that means subverting truth and attempting to disempower and ridicule – if not destroy – others who confront them with the awful possibility that they might be ‘wrong’, or even that a valid alternative perspective exists. These people typically operate out of ego, ignorance and bigotry, and are immune to learning, since they privilege their own opinions and assumptions – informed or otherwise – over those of all others, and are willing to face down incontrovertible fact in the service of preserving their god-like self-image. In essence, these narcissistic fucking bozos are incapable of distinguishing between perception (theirs) and reality. Sound like a terrorist you know?

Happy New Year

11 thoughts on “The Boomtown Rap Awards For 2007”

    1. The Cook and the Chef
      How does that poor little bloke cope with Maggie’s sarcasm, salivating, and almost choking because she insists on stuffing so much into her gob whilst trying to comment on his cooking (or her own). If I her any more about her blood ver juice I think I will dribble.

      1. Hahaha – thanks for beginning my day with a chuckle, awakeup2U!

        I can’t be bothered watching Maggie and the “poor little bloke” these days. My fave cooking shows are currently the Hairy Bikers’ Bakethon and anything Ottolenghi or Rick Stein pop up with.


      2. Maggie ver juice from the Chef and the Cook still thinks shes a teenager flirting with that little bloke which is yucky, her pretensious voice, her body wobbling, her patronising behaviour, her rudeness towards the little bloke in the form of arrogance is quite disturbing to watch, the worst is her childish behaviour trying to act like a young chic to attract Simon, oh save us all …. remember Maggie , your over seventy and the cook, Simon is the Chef not you.

  1. But that’s just my humble opinion. Al these “awards” are just your opinion, and I disagree, with a lot of them. So that means so-called award shows are all a crock of shit.

  2. very funny stuff and sometimes sobering. I was reading it and thinking “this guy could be my mental twin”.
    special mention to Dr.Maryanne Demasi ,impure thoughts MMmmmmm.

  3. Thanks for the acknowledgement, jace.

    You’re obviously a person of taste and astute perception! Gratifying!

    And yeees, Dr Demasi just keeps getting more and more…erm….thought-provoking.

  4. Very weird and nasty perceptions there, Clare Courtney. I can’t relate to your stuff about Maggie “flirting” and needing to act her age. What a load of horseshit.

    As for your silly comment about Simon being “the chef” and Maggie being only “a cook” – what do you think the point of the show is ferchrissake? And you diss Maggie for being “over 70”? Oh, just fuck off. You’re an ageist moron, bitter as bile.

  5. Rolanstein, You probably meant to say “as bitter as verjuice”
    or as sarcastically sweet as quince paste.

    1. Now there’s some wit, Awakeup2u – nice one! Although verjuice is more sour than bitter… which, come to think about it, may just be more appropriate still!


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