Of Guy Sebastian, Australian Idol and a Muppet Named Monty

This is going to be nasty.

I’m queasy from taking Voltaren to mask back pain that’s persisted for weeks. Working my asterisk off at various projects yet making no money. Rats have eaten every one of this year’s bumper crop of backyard organic tomatoes before they ripened. And I just read that greedy fucking cheats Fosters are reducing the size of the bottles of my favourite drop, Cascade Premium, but not reducing the price.

So when I clicked on the Daily Telegraph “blog” headline slamming Guy Sebastian for slamming Australian Idol, I had my best sneer all ready, wrestling my gruesome pre-breakfast features into something that could go straight on to a horror movie poster un-Photoshopped.

But it occurred to me as I began reading that I couldn’t care less about Guy Sebastian and whether he’s nipping the corporate pimp hand that inflated him. The stupid fucking journo who wrote the “blog” is the one I’m dumping on this dull morn.

And before I go on, I’ll tell ya why I insist on enclosing “blog” in inverted commas. Because blogging is the domain of Cit Js – citizen journalists – not mainstream media gobblers. It pisses me off that the public flocks to the “blogs” run by the established newspaper sites, where they’re fed the same old crap by the same old ego-bloated journos who feed them crap in the hard copy press.

Blogging is about alternative voices ferfucksake! The door of subversion is opened wide into the wonderful world of Web 2.0, and you choose the same old same old?

OK, I did the same with the Fro “blog”, but where did I say I wasn’t a hypocrite like every other bastard? Besides, it’s all about motive. I was after a dumping ground. And where better than a “blog” hosted by that goddamn rag, The Daily Telegraph, written by some flea-minded journo twat expressing outrage at Guy Sebastian for slagging off stupid fucking Idol?

Might as well put a name to this journo twat. I mean, that’s the joy of Cit J blogging, innit? You can behave atrociously. It’s like having the house to yourself when you were a teenager and your parents went away on holidays for three glorious weeks – freedom with responsibility that you’re free to waive!

Of course, there are consequences to throwing illicit parties if the house gets trashed, but what’s life without risk? Dull. Dreary. Not much fun. I take my blog seriously, but there are times to let go, give in to the devil inside. Risk whatever cred I’ve managed to build up…

Today, I’m playing the man, not the ball. And I’m playing as dirty as I like short of opening myself to charges of slander and defamation. And you know, the intoxicating thrill of the Cit J blogger is that the man can be the tallest poppy in the land – or it can be some blown-up bag of gust like Garth Montgomery, or “Monty” as he calls himself…the Daily Telegraph blogs editor.

I mean, look at him:
Recalls a priceless line from Joyce Carey’s brilliant The Horse’s Mouth, where he describes some bozo’s face as “a tit poking through a hole in the fence.”

Garthie writes of himself that he “likes ninjas, punk rock, and fiesty Chihuahuas…dislikes include transit police and John Butler’s fingernails.” Ye-e-es.

So “Monty” the punk rock fan is moved to outrage at Sebastian’s sledging of Idol. Here’s a sample of this scribe’s art:

As one of the biggest frauds to claim artistic (sic) endeavour, Sebastian is qualified to sledge Idol as a ‘deliberatley (sic) baron (sic)’ wasteland of talent.

QUE? Fuck me dangling – this illiterate is the Daily Telegraph’s blogs editor?!

As for the rest of his “blog” post – well you can guess how it goes. Monty’s in quite a flap about Guy, and that’s about it, really.

To which I say, who the hell cares about Guy Sebastian OR Idol? Both are equally irrelevant musically. The same marketing victims buy Sebastian’s anaemic trilling dross as watch Idol, which is merely a tedious competition for cabaret singers. Nothing wrong with cabaret – if you’re at a wedding.

Idol aspirants should understand that their peers in the real music industry view Idol as a piece of fluff. Not that many of the “real” moozos have much right to be so precious…how many of them would have taken the Idol route if they could have? Doubtless more than would admit it.

Whatever, my view is that if you’re serious about your music, you young things with potential, stay away from Idol and do what any aspiring muso has always done – get out there, form a band, and pay yer dues by PLAYING in the bloody pubs.

The Fro will be relegated in due course to quiet evenings entertaining elderly ladies and gents and a few loser young dorks at Leagues and other variety clubs. Unless he’s astute enough to see the writing on the wall and get into production, like musical mumma’s boy Mark Holden did when he failed to move on from the toothpaste ad image of his red rose-throwing Countdown days (the subsequent image overhaul as a leather-clad attitoodinous punk cut-out years after punk had collapsed into a fashion statement didn’t really work for ya, did it Mark?).

Down with Idol and the dumbing down of youth culture. If you’re young and have any self-respect, just stop watching the crap. (If you’re old and an Idol fan, your taste is in your arse and there’s no hope for you.)

Down with mainstream blogs and hacks like “Monty” who get paid to void their unimaginative cliché-ridden crap. And down with the undiscerning mobs who lap it up and keep them in work.

Truth be known, I rattled out this post in fury that “Monty” had evidently decided not to publish a response I submitted to his Fro post. Now I go back to grab his pic to post here and find that he has published it. Shit a brick sideways – ya can’t win.

Ah, fuck it. The post stays. I need the therapy. Thanks Dr Blog.

2 thoughts on “Of Guy Sebastian, Australian Idol and a Muppet Named Monty”

  1. I came across this post and it made me laugh. ‘Monty’ was a grumpy, creepy, old deputy editor at APC in a previous life who looked down upon popular culture.

    He had a fight with the editor of APC (physical I heard) & was fired or pushed out the door at ACP. It makes me laugh that he has reinvented himself.

    It shows you don’t need any discernable talent to be a News Ltd writer. He has no interest in what he is writing about and it’s clear through his nasty comments that he has loathes reality tv and popular culture.

  2. Hiya Love your work. Thanks for your comment.

    Your description of ‘Monty’ as “a grumpy, creepy, old deputy editor at APC in a previous life who looked down upon popular culture” gave me a smirk – so ta for that! Doesn’t surprise me.

    Thing is, who is this twat to look down on popular culture? He’s barely literate going by the online examples of his ‘work’ – not to mention dim, dull and dorky. 3 Ds and he’s out as far as I’m concerned.

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